THE next time someone tells you to "go to Hell" get them to pay for the ticket.

For I can reveal that Hell on Earth really does exist and it's actually closer to Heaven than you might think.

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It's baking hot and, resembling half a football pitch of inky black limestone, it isn't that much to look at in truth.

But as any estate agent will tell you, "it's all about location, location, location".

Hell is tucked away on the idyllic sun-drenched Caribbean isle of Grand Cayman and best accessed by luxury cruise ship. Taking my life in my hands, I gently suggested a little trip to Hell to my other half.

I can only imagine she'd sneaked a peek at the Carnival Cruise brochure for she readily agreed.

Our journey to Hell began in Miami, where we had a refreshing overnight stay at the Courtyard by Marriott Miami hotel. After a huge American breakfast at the city's glorious Bayside Marina we were ready to set sail.

Luxury The moment we stepped aboard our ship Carnival Glory all fears of Hell drifted away on 110,000 tons of pure luxury.

The £316million floating fivestar hotel is nearly 1,000ft long, has 14 decks and 1,150 crew to attend to the 3,000 passengers' every wish.

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It has its own theatre, casino, nightclub, karaoke bar, gym, spa, four swimming pools, seven ondeck hot tubs, a 200ft waterslide, outdoor cinema, jogging track, golf driving range, kids' club and child-free adult chill-out zone with swaying double hammocks and whirlpool baths.

Then there's the food - so much of it that you can eat your way straight to Hell.

They serve four breakfasts from 6.30am to noon, six types of lunch and four dinners - and there's a 24-hour pizza and ice-cream bar should you get the 4am nibbles.

After a day on the ocean finding our sea legs, we awoke in Cozumel, Mexico.

The Island of Swallows off the east coast of the Yucatan peninsula is one of the world's hotspots for scuba diving and snorkelling.

French marine expert Jacques Cousteau spent time exploring the offshore coral reef and you can too on ship-run diving excursions from £15.

I decided to be a little less adventurous and seek out some Mexican culture of the tequila variety at the luxurious Playa Mia beach club.

The ship offers a day at the island's most exclusive white sand paradise for £43 including lunch and booze - and they make a zinging margarita.

After polishing off a 24oz porterhouse steak in the Glory's top deck Emerald Room fine-dining restaurant - a must-visit even with the £19 surcharge - we arrived in sweltering Belize.

It is a former British colony where English is the official language and God Save The Queen is still sung at formal bashes.

But in most other ways it's about as far from the UK as you could imagine. It has a fierce tropical climate, is dominated by jungle and so hurricane-battered an easily replaceable wooden shack is a pretty practical home.

The bustling, ramshackle streets more than hinted at wild adventure and even the hustlers had a certain charm.

Maybe surprisingly, the country has a thriving tourist industry. The world's second longest barrier reef makes it a top diving destination and daring travellers can take Indiana Jones-style zip rides through the jungle to the forbidding Dragon Mouth Mayan cave.

Monkeys Our next docking stop the following morning was Isla Roatan off the coast of Honduras, and I spent a few blissed-out hours at the Mahogany Bay beach club, before tucking into rum and fajitas at the aptly-named Hurricane Hole bar.

Though the tourist industry of the 37-mile by five-mile island is rapidly developing, it is still relatively unspoilt and Capuchin monkeys roam wild. It's also scuba heaven.

Back on board and one romantic meal overlooking the moonlit ocean in the top-deck Emerald Room later, we arrived - a stone or two heavier - in Hell. Grand Cayman may only be 22 miles long and eight miles wide but it's a tourists' playground boasting an idyllic seven-mile white sand beach and a fantastic array of shops, bars and seafood restaurants.

It is also home to the largest sea turtles and stingrays you will ever see.

And if you've pocketed a lottery jackpot it's Heaven on Earth. The island has 600 banks including 43 of the 50 biggest in the world so you won't have a problem finding a cashpoint.

Of all the attractions of the place, Hell probably has the least going for it.

It got its name because many years ago locals reckoned the bleak expanse of limestone, on which you're not allowed to walk, is most people's idea of Hell.

Others reckon if you throw a stone in the gaps between the rocks it drops straight to the centre of the Earth.

The ship offers an excursion, including a beach trip, for £41 and it's worth it for a snap of the demonically red Welcome To Hell giftshop alone.

Then, as we set sail for our home port of Miami, we were treated to a free escort from a passing school of dolphins.
We'd been to Hell and back… and it was just heavenly.

FACT FILE FUN

Ship Carnival Glory sails from Miami to the Caribbean. A nine-night fly/cruise starts from £899 per person sharing a twin inside stateroom including scheduled flights from London, pre-cruise hotel night in Miami (room only), transfers and seven-night Western Caribbean cruise on a full-board basis. The price is based on departures on November 26. For more information on Carnival Cruise Lines, call 0845 351 0556 or visit carnival-cruise.co.uk.
Airport Hotel: Heathrow Airport's Radisson ¦Edwardian Hotel costs from £78.50 per room per night, including two-for-one dining and 15 days of free car parking. See radissonedwardian.com/heathrow.