YOU would struggle to find someone less-suited to a cruise holiday than myself.

Firstly, I don't like to mix with people I don't know. Secondly, the thought of cheesy group activities terrifies me. Thirdly, I hate being cooped up.

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Basically, I am a grumpy, mean-spirited so-and-so.

As my wife Alison and I joined the 1,800 passengers on board P&O Cruises' Oriana in St Lucia for a week-long trip to Acapulco in Mexico via Margarita Island, Cura§ao and the Panama Canal, I felt my worst fears were about to be realised.

Pulling away from St Lucia's capital Castries, the crew encouraged a "sailaway singalong". By the time we reached Acapulco in Mexico, I was a bingo-playing, musicalwatching, fully fledged cruiser. Maybe it was the stunningly beautiful locations we visited, the unfailingly polite and helpful 800-man crew or the amount of alcohol I consumed on board.

All I know is I am seriously considering going on another cruise and I can't think of a bigger compliment than that.

After waving goodbye to the jaw-dropping twin Pitons of St Lucia, an island of pristine beaches and coconut groves, we sailed through the night to Margarita Island, just off the coast of Venezuela.

The ship offers several excursions at every location but of course you can always do your own thing and many passengers plumped for the idyllic white-sand beach next to where Oriana had moored.

Alison and I wanted to explore so we paid £36 each for a catamaran trip to nearby Coche Island.

The one-hour trip flew by as we watched pelicans and cormorants (which locals call "bobos" or "dummies" as they frequently go for the bait on fishermen's hooks and get caught) swoop at shoals of sardines while we listened to our guide Eugene's musings on life. "The Venezuelan people have two speeds," he said. "Slow and stop."

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As we pulled up to Coche Island, paradise awaited. Unspoilt white sand beaches with warm, turquoise water and complimentary lager from Eugene. It was four hours of pure relaxation. We did, though, underestimate the power of the sun and got burned. By the time we got back to the Oriana we both looked like lobsters.

Talking of which, the food on offer on our cruise was very impressive. The Oriana boasts two main restaurants, the Peninsular and the Oriental, which serve a wide variety of delicious dishes.

One night you can enjoy king scallops with pancetta and pea puree, the next a mouth-watering sirloin steak.

Another fine-dining option is the Terrace Grill, although if you order the bison burger, as Alison did, I would advise packing a second stomach.

A buffet is served throughout the day at the light and airy Conservatory, while Al Fresco offers pizza and pasta.

From November there will also be the Ocean Grill by Marco Pierre White.

With eight bars on board, ranging from the sports pub-style Lord's Tavern to the more upmarket Anderson's and the Crow's Nest - a cocktail bar with panoramic views - there were plenty of calories to burn off in the three pools and gym.

The Oriana offers debates and quiz competitions every day. Be warned, some passengers seem to have an encyclopaedic knowledge of everything from the Chinese calendar to the reproductive cycle of seahorses.

After all that brain exertion I needed some pampering at the Oasis Spa.

I had a reflexology session and foot soak while Alison enjoyed a half-hour pedicure and foot massage.

Another indulgence was sitting on a glorious beach under a palm tree at Lion's Dive Beach Resort, while stopping at Cura§ao's picturesque capital Willemstad, famed for its colourful Dutch-style buildings and open-air markets.

The undisputed highlight of our trip though, was transiting the Panama Canal from the Atlantic to the Pacific Oceans.

Not only is it an engineering marvel, as the Gatun Locks raise you out of the Atlantic and the Miraflores Locks lower you down into the Pacific, but the eight-hour passage through Gatun Lake is visually stunning with rainforest on either side and crocodiles lurking in the water.

The cruise is a nature lover's dream, with pods of dolphins and sea turtles regularly passing by.

There is also plenty to watch on board with a different singer/ musical/comedian every night in the opulent surroundings of the 650-seat Theatre Royal and Pacific Lounge. cups served on A lot of the time it erred on the side of cheesy but there was some real talent on show. Although I wasn't tempted by Bobby Davro's performance.

And sometimes it was just nice to watch the glistening waves go by from our balcony.

Our cabin, with its apricotcoloured curtains and pale pink ensuite bathroom, was comfortable, spacious and kept spotlessly clean by our steward, Senim.

Unfortunately, we were a bit delayed arriving at sun-drenched Acapulco so didn't have much time to explore before our flight home.

coffee each day ships Perhaps we'll see more on our next cruise. And those are words I never thought I would write.

THE KNOWLEDGE

P&O Cruises (0845 355 4444/www.pocruises.co.uk) offers a 22-night sector of a world cruise on Oriana from San Francisco to Southampton from £2,234pp (two sharing), full board. Price includes flight to San Francisco. Calling at Acapulco and Huatulco before transiting the Panama Canal to Cura§ao, Margarita Island, Barbados, Madeira and Southampton. Departs March 19, 2012.